The Colorism South Asian Women Face: Where It Comes From, How It Affects You, and How to Cope
Updated: Jul 26
"You're getting dark."
"Don't stay in the sun, you'll get darker."
"You used to be so fair when you were little."
"Use this cream, it'll make your skin lighter."
"How will we get you married?"
For many South Asian women, these aren't unusual phrases.
They often come from parents, grandparents, relatives, neighbours, or even strangers.
They're often said casually, sometimes with genuine concern(from their side), and passed down from one generation to the next without much thought.
We can also see these in movies, television, music, and beauty advertising, where lighter skin has often been portrayed as more desirable or more worthy of love and success.
This article isn't about blaming families or criticizing culture. It's about noticing the messages hidden inside everyday comments, and understanding how hearing them repeatedly can shape the way a girl, and later a woman, sees herself. After all, we can't begin to question beliefs we've never had the chance to notice.
What is colorism?
If you've grown up hearing that lighter skin is "better," "prettier," more desirable, or makes you more confident, you've likely encountered colorism, even if you've never heard the word before.
Colorism is the preference for lighter skin and the different way people may treat you based on skin tone, often within the same racial, ethnic, or cultural community.
While it is closely connected to racism, it is not the same thing. Racism is discrimination between racial groups, whereas colorism often happens within the same community or even within the same family.
In South Asian families, colorism doesn't always sound harsh. More often, it is wrapped in concern like:- a grandmother suggesting you to stay out of the sun because you may get dark, an aunt recommending a skin-lightening cream, or a relative worrying about your marriage because of your skin tone.
Because these comments are often presented as care, tradition, or practical advice, they can be difficult to recognize for what they are. Yet over time, they may help shape your belief that lighter skin is more valuable than darker skin.
Where do these beliefs come from?
Understanding where these messages come from doesn't mean agreeing with them. It simply helps us see them with more context and, perhaps, a little more compassion.
1) A history that shaped beauty ideals
The preference for lighter skin in South Asia isn't only about today's generation. It has deep historical roots. While ideas about skin tone existed before colonialism, historical research suggests that British colonial rule reinforced these beliefs by linking lighter skin with education, employment, power, and social status.
According to historians at Trinity College Dublin, whose research is featured in the BBC documentary Beauty and the Bleach, colonial policies and racial classifications strengthened the association between lighter skin and social advantage. Over time, these ideas became woven into many parts of society, shaping not only who had access to opportunities but also how beauty, success, and status came to be understood.
Although colonial rule ended generations ago, many of these beliefs did not disappear. Instead, they continued to be passed down through families and communities, often without anyone stopping to question where they came from.
That's one reason comments about skin tone are still so common today.
2) How media and beauty industries reinforced the message
Researchers studying the skin-lightening industry have found that for decades, beauty companies marketed lighter skin as something to strive for, often linking it to beauty, confidence, success, and happiness. At the same time, research examining Bollywood and popular media has shown that films, advertisements, and popular culture frequently portrayed fair skin as the ideal of beauty, romance, and social acceptance.
When you hear the same message over and over, from advertisements, movies, songs, family members, and the world around you, it can become difficult to recognize it as just one way of thinking. Instead, it can begin to feel like a truth about your worth, even when it isn't.
3) Family, love, and inherited beliefs
Marriage has long been one of the reasons these beliefs have continued across generations. Research examining Indian matrimonial advertisements has found that a woman's complexion has often been presented as a desirable trait, with lighter skin frequently associated with greater marriage prospects.
Other studies have shown that skin tone can influence how potential brides are perceived, even when their education, personality, and accomplishments are exactly the same.
When parents or grandparents encourage a daughter to stay out of the sun or suggest using a skin-lightening cream, they are often not trying to criticize her appearance.
Instead, they may genuinely believe they are protecting someone they love from rejection, judgment, or missed opportunities. Those beliefs were shaped by the world they grew up in, where a woman's appearance was often tied to her future in ways that were unfair but widely accepted.
Perhaps that's one of the hardest parts to hold. Many relatives aren't creating these beliefs, they're passing on messages they learned as children from their own parents, extended family, neighbours, and movies.
Understanding this doesn't mean the comments don't hurt or that their impact should be ignored. It simply reminds us that compassion and accountability can exist together. We can understand where these beliefs came from while also choosing not to carry them forward.
How these comments can affect little girls growing up
Children naturally look to the adults around them to understand who they are and where they belong. So when comments about their appearance are heard again and again, especially from parents, grandparents, or other trusted adults, they can shape their beliefs about their self-worth.
1) Maybe my worth depends on how I look
When a girl's appearance becomes the focus of praise, concern, or criticism, she may gradually begin to believe that how she looks is just as important as who she is.
Research with South Asian women suggests that internalized beliefs about skin tone are associated with lower self-esteem, as fairness can become linked with acceptance, status, and a sense of worth from an early age.
Over time, this can make love, praise, and approval feel conditional. Instead of feeling, "I am enough," a girl may begin to wonder, "Will people still accept me if I don't look the way they expect?" Those questions can quietly shape the way she sees herself long after the comments have stopped.
2) The opinions of loved ones can shape how a girl sees herself
A 2025 study of Black and South Asian adolescents found that colourism experienced within a young person's own community was more strongly associated with lower self-esteem than colourism experienced from outside the community.
One reason may be that children are deeply influenced by the people they love and depend on. When appearance-based messages come from trusted adults, a girl may begin to believe they reflect the truth about who she is, rather than someone else's belief about beauty.
The intention behind these comments may be love or protection. But a child's heart doesn't separate intention from impact. She simply learns from the voices she trusts most.
3) When those comments become her own thoughts
One of the hardest parts about growing up with repeated comments is that, over time, a girl may no longer need someone else to say them. She may begin saying them to herself.
She might start worrying that she's "getting darker" after playing outside, compare her skin tone with classmates or cousins, or avoid activities she enjoys because she's afraid of tanning.
As we discussed before research suggests that repeated experiences of colourism can contribute to internalized colourism, where negative beliefs about skin tone become part of a person's own self-image.
4) Always wondering what people are thinking
As we have discussed that how badly these comments can affects young girls and this might result in constant worry about "what people are thinking about me."
She might think twice before playing outside because she doesn't want to "get darker." She might compare her skin with her cousins in family photos or feel nervous before a family gathering because she's expecting someone to comment on her appearance.
After a while, it isn't just about skin colour anymore. It's about always wondering how other people see you. That can slowly affect a girl's confidence, her body image, and how safe she feels simply being herself.
The important thing to remember is this: these beliefs were learned. And what is learned can also be questioned, challenged, and changed.
Why it can still hurt, even when it's meant with love
If you grew up hearing these comments, it's understandable if they still affect you today. You may be an adult now, but the beliefs you formed as a little girl don't simply disappear.
This is the part that confuses many women. My grandmother loves me. My mother was only trying to protect me. So why does one comment still stay with me for days?
Because good intentions and painful impact can exist at the same time.
A comment can come from a place of love and still teach a child, over many years, that her appearance determines how she is seen or valued. When the same message is repeated throughout childhood by the people a girl loves and trusts, it can continue to shape how she feels about herself long into adulthood.
That's why an offhand comment at a family gathering can still hurt years later. It's not just about that one moment. It touches beliefs that were formed over many years.
You don't have to choose between "My family loved me" and "Their words hurt me." Both can be true. Holding space for both is often more honest, and more healing, than denying either one.
What if you can't set a boundary?
A lot of advice tells you to "just set boundaries." But if you've ever read that and thought, "You clearly don't know my family," you're not alone.
For many South Asian families, it's not that simple. Research with South Asian communities in Canada has found that advice to "just set boundaries" often feels unrealistic because it doesn't fit the values many people were raised with.
In families where respect for elders, family harmony, and staying connected are deeply important, speaking up can feel incredibly difficult.
Maybe you know that even a gentle response would be seen as disrespectful or you simply love your family and don't want every gathering to become an argument.
Those are real challenges. They don't make you weak, and they don't mean you're doing anything wrong.
Boundary doesn't always have to be a difficult conversation. Sometimes it's something much quieter.
It might sound like, "I know you're saying this because you care about me, but I'm happy with how I look." You don't have to explain yourself or convince anyone. A calm, simple response is often enough.
Sometimes a boundary is changing the subject instead of debating. Sometimes it's stepping away from conversations that leave you feeling small. Sometimes it's spending more time with people who remind you that your worth has never depended on your skin colour.
And sometimes the most important boundary is the one you create inside yourself.
You can love your family, respect your culture, and still decide that their beliefs about skin colour don't have to become your beliefs about yourself.
That doesn't happen overnight. But every time you choose to respond with a little more self-compassion instead of self-criticism, you're beginning to break a cycle that may have started long before you were born.
The goal isn't to change your aunty's beliefs.
It's to stop carrying them as your own.
The comments you grew up hearing don't have to become the beliefs you carry for the rest of your life. With understanding, self-compassion, and support, it's possible to build a healthier relationship with yourself.
If reading this felt personal, know that you don't have to carry it on your own. If you're looking for culturally informed therapy with someone who understands South Asian family dynamics, I'd be honoured to walk alongside you.
Reference
1) Trinity College Dublin. (2023, July 25). Beauty and the bleach: The colonial history of colourism explored in BBC documentary. https://www.tcd.ie/news_events/articles/beauty-and-the-bleach-the-colonial-history-of-colourism-explored-in-bbc-documentary/
2) Shankar, P. R., Giri, B. R., & Palaian, S. (2006). Fairness creams in South Asia--a case of disease mongering?. PLoS medicine, 3(7), e315. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.0030315
3) Chattopadhyay, D., & Chattopadhyay, S. (2019). Colorism and love for fair skin: Exploring digitization's effect on India's arranged marriage matrimonial advertisements. In Proceedings of the Tenth International Conference on Information and Communication Technologies and Development (ICTD '19). Association for Computing Machinery. https://doi.org/10.1145/3287098.3287146
4) Nagar, I. (2018). The Unfair Selection: A Study on Skin-Color Bias in Arranged Indian Marriages. Sage Open, 8(2).
5) Sharif, H., & Siddique, D. (2021). Impact of colorism and self-rated skin tone in predicting self-esteem among women from Pakistan. Biodemography and Social Biology, 66(3–4), 250–260. https://doi.org/10.1080/19485565.2021.1991777
6) Craddock, N., Phoenix, A., & White, P. (2025). Examining colorism, body image, and self-esteem in UK Black and South Asian adolescents. Frontiers in sociology, 10, 1687937. https://doi.org/10.3389/fsoc.2025.1687937
7) Naeem F, Khan N, Sohani N, et al. Culturally Adapted Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CaCBT) to Improve Community Mental Health Services for Canadians of South Asian Origin: A Qualitative Study. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry. 2024;69(1):54-68. doi:10.1177/07067437231178958
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